Reptile Dysfunction
by Kwiky
Summary: Sasuke brings home a surprise. Naruto is, um, delighted. (Or not.) One shot. AU.
**A/N:** _Alright, so I was bored, and decided to translate one of my own fics for fun. (Yeah, this is my idea of fun apparently) Maybe I'll do more, i don't know. ALSO, English is not my first language, and this is not beta'd, so be careful (; I hope you enjoy!_

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 **Reptile Dysfunction**

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The 'surprise' is thin, long, and black. Completely black in fact, expect for the thin orange line behind its miniature head. It has teeth.

And it hisses. A _lot_.

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.-.

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"His name's Manda."

The answer is laconic, and not exactly suitable for the question, which was: 'what the _fucking_ hell, teme?'. Naruto clenches his teeth, annoyed. Or afraid. (Whatever.)

"And?" he then asks a little bit more calmly, and the lack of hysterical shouting is not because he _is_ calm.

Yes, those are shivers running down his spine. No, he will not show it.

Sasuke only blinks. Once, then twice. His thumb is unconsciously stroking the small head of the reptile, with surprising tenderness.

"He's a collared grass snake."

Naruto doesn't know much about snakes – like most people, he thinks rightfully so – but he knows enough to be sure that 'grass snake' does have dangerous connotations. He's on the verge of fainting; holds on nonetheless.

"And, um… why is he… around your arm?"

Because this (fucking, fucking, fucking) animal is so tightly tightened around the pale wrist, its black scales popping against the whiteness of the skin, that Naruto swears it's trying to chop it off. It's probably the case. He feels himself getting pale.

"He's going to stay with us for some time."

Sasuke's minimal loquacity and his apparent impassibility aren't helping with Naruto's rising stress. Moreover, the blond can assure with a small margin of error that the animal has _not_ stopped staring at him since he's made his entrance in the flat. And the look it's giving him looks a lot like the one Hannibal Lecter would give to a naked human swimming in a bowl of gravy.

He painfully tries to hide his body's tremors.

"Some time?" he finally manages to ask in a voice he hopes to be firm, but knows to be shaking.

(But there's a _collared grass snake_ in his living room. And it looks like it wants to eat his boyfriend's _fingers_.)

He confusedly tries to look for an explanation in his head, in vain, until a sudden flash of comprehension hits him. He cuts Sasuke off before he can even open his mouth.

"Oh! You're the victim of an attempted murder, is that it? You're being held up with a gun and you're forced to hold this thing or they kill you?"

He's too happy with this theory to realize the stupidity of it, and glances hopefully through the window. He furrows his brows immediately. The sniper must be very well hidden, because Naruto can't even see the shadow of a gun. Still, there must be one, right?

Right?

"Naruto," Sasuke suddenly says with a flat tone, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

Unfortunately, the Uzumaki is far too busy throwing increasingly panicked looks between the window and the snake to notice, as he realizes there are no threats forcing his lover to stand here, this time bomb tickling around his wrist.

 _Oh, shit._

"Naruto," Sasuke repeats, and his lips start to stretch into a small smirk. "Are you afraid?"

Naruto doesn't like the implication, even if there's none.

Thus, he puffs out his chest right away, and proudly readjusts his jacket, which he has still not taken off. Indeed, coming home to this terrify— _surprising_ picture can make you forget the minutiae of your daily life.

"Me, afraid?" He laughs for appearance's sakes. "I couldn't care less about your snake, he can stay forever if you want! I couldn't care less!"

He's just said 'couldn't care less' twice, his voice is more shaking than assured, but Sasuke looks satisfied with his answer. He nods, still wearing his amused and _arrogant_ smirk.

"Good. There's no problem, then."

And he turns around, walking toward the corridor.

Naruto glares at the small slimy tail poking from under Sasuke's arm.

Fucking Beast.

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.-.

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"Psst. Sasuke."

"…"

"Sas- _uke_!"

"Hn."

"Wake up!"

A shifting noise is heard and finally, _finally_ , Sasuke turns his head toward him. It's hard to see his expression in the surrounding darkness, but at least he seems half-awake.

"Mmm… What is it?" he grumbles in his pillow.

Naruto throws a quick glance around the bedroom, doesn't see anything just like every time he's done it since they've gone to bed, and comes closer to stick himself to his partner's warm body. The latter unconsciously puts his arm around his hips to ease his snuggling, although his brain still seems to be struggling to comprehend the situation.

"What're you doing, dobe…?"

"…I'm cold."

And surprisingly, as soon as the lie is out, he can feel Sasuke's eyebrow rising smugly on his forehead. Ah, the bastard's not too tired for that, is he?

"It's fucking June."

A fact proven by the accumulated sweat between their two bodies. If he wasn't so afraid – something he's only willing to admit in the intimacy of his own head – Naruto thinks he would be horny. Sasuke and him are in the habit of sleeping naked. It's sense-tickling.

Unfortunately, he can't bring himself to lose sight of his first objective.

"Eh, since you're awake and all…"

"Hnn?"

Naruto knows how to differentiate Sasuke's Hn, and this one sounds a little bit too sleepy for his taste. This is bad news, Naruto's sure of it. That's why he presses;

"D'you know where your hydra is?"

Because in spite of its small size – _a teenager_ , Sasuke guaranteed him –, Naruto finds the comparison with the mythological monster to be very convincing. But Mr Know-it-all is already falling back asleep, as announced by his suddenly louder and regular breathing. Naruto snuggles up even closer, throwing another cautious glance through the bedroom's darkness.

He still can't see a thing. But he hears a slight hiss.

And he doesn't sleep much, that night.

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.-.

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Apparently, snakes take baths. Or basins. (It's the same.)

Naruto learns that the next day, whilst coming home from work. He hears Sasuke in the shower, probably getting ready for tonight – they're going to Tsunade and Jiraya's house-warming party who have just moved _yet_ _again_ – and Naruto toys with the idea of joining his boyfriend for a moment.

The decision is taken quickly and, thirty seconds later, he's taking off all his clothes and going to the bathroom with a lewd smile. Not that he's an idiot, but he may have forgotten a small, slimy detail.

However, his memory is quickly refreshed when he opens the door, sneaking toward the shower curtain with a mischievous laugh. He needs one look – only one, that he doesn't even control – to the bathtub on his left, to lose any trace of lascivious amusement.

Because right here, in a big basin full of water floating in the bathtub full of water, a goddamn collared grass snake is peeking at him.

"GAAAAAAH!"

He throws himself backward, just next to the shower, slips on the bath mat, and catches himself at the last second on the curtain. Sasuke's face appears, shocked, and his shriek has visibly alerted him, because he's brandishing the showerhead like a weapon. His war cry echoes Naruto's scream, before it dies in his throat and turns into a confused expression.

"Naruto?"

Said-man is flat on his back, which doesn't stop him from raising an accusatory finger toward the bathtub, cheeks red.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Sasuke's gazes slip on his naked body spread on the floor, puzzled, before he shrugs.

"Manda likes it."

The nervous twitch agitating one of the blond's eyebrows must encourage him to elaborate, because he rolls his eyes up with a sigh.

"He's too small for the entire bathtub," he explains. "So, the basin it is."

When Naruto looks at the latter, it is floating from left to right, and the snake in it is staring at him dead on. It gives him the creeps. Sasuke notices the goose bumps, and his eyes darken with desire.

"You were coming for a shower with me?"

But Naruto doesn't divert his eyes from the hydra polluting his vital space. He's sure it will attack, if he so much as let it out of his sight one second. He made his research, on Google; and apparently, collared grass snake can pounce _extremely_ rapidly.

"Naruto?"

The blond gets up in one move, and takes a sprint for the door.

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

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.-.

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The very same night, after Sasuke's managed to calm him down, Naruto finally accepts to take a shower, under the condition that the door is locked, and the bathtub emptied. (He also asks for the basin to be burnt, but the look Sasuke gives him after the suggestion convinces him to pass it off as a joke.)

When he walks again by the corridor, towel secured around his waist, he makes sure to survey every corners of the rooms he crosses, in case this miniature crocodile has decided he looks like an appetizing antelope. And that's when he encounters a funny – _not_ – scene.

Sasuke, squatting in front of the small basket he brought back from the cave yesterday, is rubbing the body of the snake, which is twirling and hissing nicely. Naruto could swear the horrible being is _purring_.

But – the worst one is his lover.

He may have his back turned on him, but Naruto can easily sense the small smile that is stretching his lips with tenderness, and hear the sweet words he's whispering.

"You're gonna stay here tonight, ok? We're not gonna be long… Yes, you're beautiful. Gorgeous, even. And…"

Naruto stops listening, because a cracking in the floor has alerted his partner, who scan-glares the rest of the room as though to discover who is the guilty party eavesdropping.

Naruto makes a diplomatic retreat, furiously thinking.

But… it would seem that Sasuke _likes_ this goddamn Beast.

That's when he decides he has to do some more research.

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.-.

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"AND— AND— You know what I discovered? THAT SASUKE is born the year of the snake. In _Chinese calendar_. Isn't it a sign? Huh, huh? You think he would have told me that?"

Sakura keeps on scrolling through the pictures Naruto wanted her to see on the Internet, before pausing and looking at him, perplexed.

"Chinese signs are based on years, you know. Sasuke's just like you and me. We're all born the same year, need I remind you."

The observation, topped by a challenging raised eyebrow, forces him to make a pause to contemplate this idea that _theoretically_ seems logical. He then shakes his head with determination.

"Maybe, but I don't bring collared grass snakes at home!"

The argument seems good, so he keeps going, voice getting louder and louder.

"And you know what he forgot to tell me, also? That he had a vivarium in his room when he was little! And me— me, I saw the pictures, you know? But I thought it was an aquarium, as in normal people's houses, where you put FISHES!"

The look on little Sasuke's face gives him shivers, now that he thinks about it and knows what really were in the _aquariums_ in the background.

"Honestly," he resumes with vehemence, "I could have accepted a cat, or a dog. I would have _fucking loved_ a cat or a dog! But this, it's… it's like inviting Voldemort into our house!"

The complaint makes Sakura giggle.

"Oh, c'mon, it's not that bad, is it?"

"Oh, yes. Yes it is. He even gives him bath in a basin in the bathtub. And he gives him sweet names. Like, _Manda_."

"But I thought it was his name—"

"Whatever," Naruto cuts her off, and then pouts. "My house's Bagdad, now. 'm always on alert."

"Now you're exaggerating."

Naruto wrinkles his nose.

"Not even close."

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.-.

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That evening, Sasuke comes home from work late and horny. Very horny. Enough to throw himself at Naruto as soon as he sees him.

Fortunately for the blond, he does not ask what he's doing, squatting in front of the couch, trying to check what's underneath. (To be honest, Naruto's looking for the goddamn snake. He would feel better in his _own fucking flat_ if he could be sure of his enemy's position. All's fair and square in war – or something like that –, he justifies his actions. He still hasn't found it, despite fifty-three minutes of intense research.)

It doesn't matter anyway. An open-mouthed kiss on his neck, and there he goes, answering his partner's affection. Sasuke's hands get rid of his t-shirt, and their lips meet.

Two hickeys, many clothes flying, and three moans later, Naruto's above his lover, the two almost naked save for their boxers. They've reached their bedroom in a battle of kisses and groping hands.

They're already rubbing on one another, and Sasuke has this glimmer in his eyes that Naruto likes. It often happens when the brunet's coming home from a boring day at work, or that Naruto's provoked him with dirty texts. It's only now that he realizes he may have send a dick pic to his lover, when looking for a little distraction in the toilets of his office a bit earlier in the day.

The mystery of Sasuke's sudden horniness explained, Naruto allows himself to smile – the first relaxed smile in days – and buries his face in his boyfriend's neck, on his endless quest to find the source of his incredible smell as usual.

The Uchiha makes this little low noise in his ear, the one that particularly turns him on, and makes him whisper;

"Want to spice things up?"

They've reached the bed, now, and Naruto revels in seeing the white hands tearing at the sheets, frustrated and excited at the same time. It's not an erection that he's sporting, but a genuine steel bar in his boxers, which is going to grow even more if Sasuke keeps rubbing against him like that.

"Shit… Don't even ask, _Na_ —ruto."

Kill him if this moaning of his name isn't worth every porn vids in the world. Naruto slips one hand into Sasuke's boxer, whilst the other one fumbles for the nightstand drawer where, between condoms and lube tubes, are the ties they sometime use.

Last time, Naruto had been the one to be tied up, and he's eager to aveng— _to return the favour_ to Sasuke, so he'll be the one screaming in pleasure this time, while Naruto wears the small, smug smile for breakfast tomorrow morning.

His hand feels for the bottom of the drawer, but he loses the hang of things for a second because the brunet-haired man under him has just seized his bottom lip between his teeth, and pulled sensually on it with impatience.

"Nnnngh," Naruto moans, and he needs to hurry up, because he won't hold on a lot longer.

Finally – _finally!_ – his fingers tighten on what feels like a long, thick ribbon, too thick maybe, and he pulls on it— and the shriek that follows has nothing to do with pleasure.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!"

The scene is like one from a Cartoon. As though his ass is on fire, Naruto jumps from the bed, screaming, his hand waving frenetically to make what has caught on drop down. Something falls on the bed, but the blond's shouts don't stop. With even more vocal effort, he makes a beeline for the door, and disappears in the corridor like a madman.

Sasuke raises himself up on the bed, terribly confused, wondering with rising annoyance why, suddenly, his moron of a lover has removed his hand from his boxers, and the heat of his body against his.

His eyes only meet a dark and slender silhouette, and he holds his hand out.

He furrows his eyebrows, waits for the animal to coil around his wrist.

"Manda?"

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.-.

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In the kitchen, rubbing his left hand – and everything that has just touched this motherfucking son of a bitch _creature_ – with the bleach conserved under the sink, Naruto swears to himself he will burn this drawer content tomorrow morning.

Ah, and that from now on, he will sleep in his pyjamas. It seems safer.

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"C'mon, c'mon… What did one hat say to another?"

"Hum?"

"You stay here, I'll go on a head!"

Kiba bursts out laughing, giving him a huge slap on the shoulder. They exchange hearty snickers only they can understand, Kiba drying his beer. Then he lightens up even more.

"Hold on, I got one too!" He clears his throat, and raises one finger. "What does an exhibitionistic snake wear to the beach? A pythong! Got it? 'Cause python and thong. Ha, ha, ha!"

Instead of the expected laughter, there's suddenly a weak silence.

Kiba knows he's not the funniest person in the world, and that most people consider his humor to be idiotic, shitty, and 'the least funny thing on earth'. If there's one person who never blamed him for it – principally because they share the same – it's Naruto.

Therefore, Kiba still doesn't understand the sudden freezing of the blond at his side, nor the punch he gets afterward.

The worst thing is that Naruto exits the café just right after, leaving him with the bill to pay.

Suddenly alone, Kiba has to do some introspection.

Does his humour suck _that_ much?

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.-.

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Sasuke has a professional meeting in Kiri. It's not necessarily far, but not that close either, and he has to spend the night over there.

Thus, Naruto builds a fortress, three barrages, and a row of spikes with some forks. Manda-damn may crawl wherever he wants, he won't make it past the forks barriers. (Niark, Niark.)

It's only once he's inside his Bastille, after using every bit of his genius to close his tiny complicated entrance, that he realizes he's forgotten his phone.

He puts himself into a praying position.

"Farewell, Candy Crush, and may you rest in peace in the _no man's land_."

The next day, it dawns on him that he fell asleep, that his back is hurting, but that at least he has spent the night safely. After all, Sasuke still hasn't given any precision about this venom thing, and Naruto doesn't feel the need to take any chances.

He then wonders what his lover gives it to eat. To the Beast.

Eh, shouldn't he have left instructions to feed him, anyway?

When Sasuke comes back from his quick trip, he looks confused in front of the fortress. And then just plain exasperated.

"Naruto. Have you seen the state of our living room? And— why in hell are you holding this knife?"

An extra-precaution, Naruto doesn't say. Then he furrows his brows.

"Your hydra— did it come out of its hellhole?"

His eyes search the living room with _extra-precaution_.

"Manda?" Sasuke sighs. "Naruto, I told you I was bringing him with me. I wasn't going to let him here when you're so visibly terrified of him, was I?"

Naruto only hesitates two seconds, before shrugging nonchalantly.

"Who says I'm terrified?" He puts the knife delicately on the table, only now realizing how his hand is hurting from holding it too tight all night long. "I really don't see what you're talking about."

And then he goes to the kitchen.

War has been _declared._

The next morning, suffering from a torturing stiff neck, he consults the blog about snake stews for the first time.

If he cooks up something good, maybe Sasuke won't be _too_ angry about Mangoddam's disappearance.

Hn.

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.-.

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On a Tuesday, Naruto discovers _accidentally_ that Manda doesn't like dewormer on his scales. Thus, armed with his ski-suit and oven gloves, he manages to block him in the bathroom's corner, and generously spray him with the vaporiser. Em… accidentally, he means. _Accidentally._

In the evening, Sasuke must detect a smell, because he glares at Naruto when he makes the Hydra take his bath.

Hydra who hisses disdainfully in his direction.

Bastards.

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.-.

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It takes him some time to understand why Sasuke is standing in front of his computer, arms crossed over his chest, a closed-off look on his face.

"I've seen your Google history," is the brunet's introduction.

Naruto immediately thinks of the last porn-sites he visited, before reprimanding himself; Sasuke's his boyfriend, not his _mother_. Even he watches porn from time to time; his passion for role-plays didn't come out of nowhere.

"Ah?" Naruto ends up saying, because Sasuke looks like he's waiting for an answer, and he is still too busy sweeping the room with his eyes, prudent and suspicious at the same time, to care.

He doesn't like this new habit of his. He's really got the impression that his flat has become a _No man's land_. And if it makes Sakura laughs, it's not the case for him. He takes his shoes off only to go to bed, in case of… you know. In case the Beast would like to attack as soon as Sasuke's not looking.

Talking about the latter, he's still wearing his death-glare, and it's only when focusing on him that Naruto notices that _Public Enemy n°1_ is calmly coiled up on his lover's shoulder. He doesn't know if it makes him happy or not. He opts for raising his head with arrogance.

 _You may be touching my man right now, but it's with_ me _that he'll spend the night anyw—_

He stops his inner rant midway when Sasuke turns the screen of his computer toward him, so he can see it.

Ah, no porn sites.

In fact, it's more of a cooking-related website, dedicated in particular to African cooking with, in big bold letters, the following title: " **10 easy recipes to cook snake** ".

"Any explanations?" Sasuke asks.

A hissing sound follows, and Naruto has the terrible impression that the collared grass snake is insulting him. _Pch, and Sasuke says nothing._

He shifts his weight from one foot to another, wondering what defence line he should adopt.

"It was only curiosity, you know," definitely doesn't seem to do the trick.

So, to dig his hole deeper, he adds;

"I bought some plantains. Recipe n°8. Wanna try?"

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.-.

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On a Saturday morning, Naruto wakes up slowly, blinking rapidly. His first reflex is to stretch his hand to the right to touch Sasuke, but it only meets void.

He opens his eyes, and notices a small yellow paper. A post-it, he understands quickly.

He manages to discern his missing lover's writing on it.

 _'Went for a run, coming back for 9.30  
Coffee's in the coffee pot. _

_PS: See, you have nothing to be scared of.'_

He lazily nods, before furrowing his brows. He re-reads the last sentence, wondering what Sasuke meant by that.

After three seconds of ineffective reflection, he shrugs, before sticking the post-it where he's found it, on the scales in front of him.

Pause.

Recap.

 _The scales in front of…_

"GAAAAAAAAAH!"

When he comes home half an hour later, Sasuke looks like he's trying not to laugh.

"Oh, come on, it was a joke."

The Uzumaki doesn't answer, staring at the turned off TV. Sasuke takes on a bit more panicked expression in front of his partner's scowling face.

"Oh for fuck's sakes, what did you do to him?"

Naruto doesn't raise his eyes, and chews his cereals methodically.

"He's on the toilets." Pause. "Well, _in_ the toilets, really."

The only things he hears after his declaration are the pressed steps of Sasuke, who runs across the living room toward the bathroom. The smile on Naruto's face turns impish, and he swallows his mouthful of _Lucky Charms_ with certain delectation.

"Don't worry too much," he comments once he's alone. "Despite my many attempts, I couldn't flush him away."

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.-.

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Three weeks, four days, and five hours after Manda's unexpected entrance in his life, happens what was meant to happen.

Naruto is bitten, and Sasuke is not there.

The crisis that follows is phenomenal because unanticipated.

On the one hand, Naruto knows he deserves this bite because he was just poking the collared grass snake with a wooden spatula to make him stay away – and with the dewormer, the toilets, and the _extra-precaution_ , it doesn't surprise him that much that the snake finally chose to give back some. On the other hand, it's total panic.

He sends 31 texts to Sasuke, asking with more and more vehemence if this fucking mini-caiman is venomous or not. The lack of answer encourages him in the next second to compose Sakura's number, and his lungs are on fire with how much his breathing has fastened.

"Hello?"

"SAKURA! POISON! MAN DOWN! TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL! I TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN!"

The answer is interrogative, but Naruto hangs up on her, running to the other side of the room to lie down and calm down the fibrillations of his heart – as far away from Manda as possible. He's sure of it now, he's been poisoned; how else can one explain the spasms agitating all his limbs?

The panic should make him lose consciousness from one moment to another; therefore he's reassured when he hears someone knocking on the door. Despite her puzzlement, Sakura pulls him in her car, and drives him hurriedly to the ER.

Once there, it takes three nurses, two interns, two doctors amongst which a virologist, and a surgeon who was just passing by, to make him understand the following thing; whatever bit him, it didn't pass him any venom. ( _"Plus, you said grass snake, right? They're not venomous, you know._ ") After forty-five minutes, and with the optional help of a Sakura special punch, Naruto ends up accepting the reality, with reluctance.

On his way back to the flat, while he's trying to ignore the moralising discourse of his driving friend, he starts to think.

All of this must _end_.

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.-.

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He has prepared something calm and precise, constructed and constructive; unfortunately, as soon as Sasuke passes the front door, everything goes down the hill, and his tongue gets a mind of its own.

"It can't keep going on like that!" he explodes.

The Uchiha sends him a reproving look, before closing the door, and suspending his jacket on the coat-rack with nonchalance. Naruto wiggles his toes in his fur boots – last invention of his to escape the vicious Beast's attacks who, once again, has disappeared. (Naruto suspects the drawer of his nightstand, drawer that is apparently to the taste of the reptile.)

"You want me to tell you the truth?" he asks ardently, pointing a finger heavenward. Sasuke sits up on the drawer cabinet behind him, and raises a provocative eyebrow, as if to say 'Hn'. "Well, I'm going to tell you the truth!" he continues, terribly conscious of his repetitive repetition.

"I'm waiting," Sasuke affirms with a small smirk.

Good. No, Bad. Naruto huffs with grace.

"I lied to you," he then says, and puffs out his chest to give himself some presence. "I do not don't care that you brought a _collared grass snake_ to our home. I do not don't care at all, in fact."

He looks to the right, to the left, and takes a step forward.

"You're right, I'm _fucking_ terrified of this goddamn Beast and you win, I admit it! I can't sleep at night, I have to check the bathroom six times before taking a shower, and I even have to look in my pack of cereals before eating them! And the nights? Did I talk about the nights? Because, teme, I CAN'T STAND THE NIGHTS ANYMORE, I stick to you, but _still_ —"

"Is that why it's been so warm lately?"

Um.

"…Whatever. What matters is that, please, I'm ready to beg if it comes to that, but I can't do it anymore, and you have to do something, because I can't live without _you_ , but I can't live with him either, and you know, me, living in fear is _so_ not my thing, and I was ready to make some efforts, but—"

"Naruto."

Cut in his momentum and his one sentence discourse, Naruto is short of breath. He inspires deeply, ready to kneel down to beg. (Which he would do, if he were sure the floor was _nothing-to-report_.) He has the distinct impression he doesn't have a choice anymore.

So he falls on his knees. Puts his hands into a prayer position.

"Sasuke, I swear I will do anything. I agree to bottom FOR A MONTH IF YOU WANT or— or— meet you at your office to do stuff over there like you wanted or I don't know, but PLEASE. I'm getting desperate. Even imagining him roast doesn't sooth me. Not anymore, anyway. So—"

"Naruto."

The blond ends up sighing.

"Yes?"

He furrows his brow when confronted with the small smile illuminating Sasuke's face. Usually, it's not a good omen. For him, at least.

"Manda is gone. I brought him back to my colleague – the one on holidays – two hours ago. So you can… be normal again, now."

Naruto's jaw falls from the shock, and he barely realizes what it means; no more parka in the flat, no more fur boots, no more inane inspections of every rooms in the house, no more stupid checks of his food, no more night-time terro—

Oh.

Wait a second.

Gathering the last bits of dignity he still has, Naruto gets up, vaguely dusting the tissue of his t-shirt. He clears his throat, wrinkles his nose.

"I— I was kidding, actually. Ha-ha. Me, afraid? Tss, I was only proving my acting talent. All of this is the result of a stupid bet with Kiba. Stupid Dog-breath. You believed it, uh? Ha-ha. Me too, for a moment."

Sasuke looks more and more amused, and jumps off the cabinet to get closer to Naruto, who seems more and more nervous.

"Naruto? I love you."

He snuggles up against the blond's body, who sighs in despair.

"There's no way I can make you forget that, right?"

"No way," Sasuke confirms, and he puts his arm around his lover's hips.

Naruto hesitates.

"You still find me manly and all, right?"

"Of course."

"Good, good."

The Uzumaki finally lets go in the arms of his lover, and lets a smile stretch his own lips. All in all, everything ends well, right? He has Sasuke, this goddamn snake is finally gone, and he… he…

He suddenly feels a sort of slimy weight crawling up against his neck.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!"

The only answer to the yell is the slight, low laugh of Sasuke Uchiha, who lets the false, plastic snake he's just bought fall down, looking with repressed glee at his boyfriend running for his life toward the corridor.

Then he sighs

He's still going to miss Manda, though.

Especially because he likes it, when Naruto snuggles up against him during the night.

It keeps him warm.

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.-.

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 _Hi. Review? :)_


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